I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
