So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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