i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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