I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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