If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
