Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
