drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
