dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
