3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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