i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
