dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
