wanna go halves on a baby?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
