it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
