but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
