You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
