not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize