i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
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so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
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So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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