god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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