That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
