I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
