hell yes lets make some ravioli
false alarm. still invincible.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
