God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
