im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
