Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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