it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
