well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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