I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
