I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
