Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"