my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.