I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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