Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
