I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I believe in your delicious
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
