Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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