Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
