So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
