I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
