I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
