I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
