Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
