I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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