Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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