can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
