So drunk its hurt
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
