this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
