I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize