the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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