He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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