Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
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My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
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A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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