New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
