Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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