My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
