Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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