thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
