Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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