walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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