Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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