my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
