anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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